Ideas Drained, Words Dried

I dread the feeling of helplessness.

The feeling of not knowing what to do, or if help will ever arrive. The sinking feeling.

I’m familiar with this feeling. It has happened many times before and I’m sure it will come again. It’s not pleasant. I detest this feeling.

It’s like going on a run after a long hiatus – your mind tells you to move forward but your legs or lungs (or both?) are unwilling. In this situation, the only way is to run more. It sucks not being able to cover the distance you used to run with ease. But that’s what you get from not doing this activity for a prolonged period of time. Your body and mind gets accustomed to this break. Getting them to resume to where they once were isn’t like a flick of the switch. Sometimes, you have to caress them and trust that things will eventually work out.

Putting one foot in front of the other, that’s how marathons get completed.

Writing one word after another. That’s what I’m doing now.

It’s really a struggle to type the opening paragraphs. It really feels like a ton of steel weighing down on my fingers as I typed. Deprived of ideas, the sense of free-flowing writing deserted me. In actual fact, they didn’t left me. I left them. I stopped writing – first daily, then weekly, and then abandoning this site altogether. Where I once have more ideas than time to write, I now can’t string two sentences together without feeling awkward. I had the entire week to me but I didn’t have any interest to write at all.

Looking at my earliest writings, I wondered if I really wrote those pieces. They won’t win any awards or get into any publications, but I felt great re-reading them. Honest, full of character and must importantly, they’re a reflection of me.

I had a voice and I was happy to share with the world.(Even if the world isn’t listening)

The two most beautiful sensations 5 years ago were running and writing. They’re still attractive, but their beauties have diminished tremendously in place of others. I seek to rediscover this feeling by running more and writing more.

Not rocket science, I know. This post serves as an accountability keepsake. So the future me will look back and say “Yes! This is the post that reignite his interest in reviving this site.” Or he could think “Man, he really should’ve given up and dig a hole and never see anyone in the eye.”

I still hold on to the belief that to write clearly is to think clearly. My head has been muddled for some time now. I felt it’s starting to clear up, ever so slightly. Maybe, I’ll have a chance to surface up for fresh air and take in new perspective.

So, Hola! It’s nice getting this out of my head and chest.